And I said Yes

The smell of rain forest febreeze sprayed over and old rent to own couch is the only hook
That she has to hang the
Memories of her childhood on
The only innocence she has ever known has been tampered with and
Mishandled
Played out like an old soap opera scandal
Fear grips her soul at night in the mist of her crying
And though she is not dead
Inside she’s still dieing
And I’m just trying
To restore her faith
Because it was like
All she had was faith
She needs every reason in the world to trust me
But she says it’s hard to trust someone who looks like me
So I asked her what did she mean
She sniffs, she breathes
And she said it’s hard because
Her dad looked just liked me
And she said he had eyes just like me
And she said it was hard to force herself to look past me
Because all she could see was he,
And maybe it’s just me,
but I knew that if given the chance
I could love her past whatever her eyes could see
And before she could go on
I said
Sweet heart pause and look through me and not at me
he is not like me
And then she says
Do you even understand me; I’m not looking for someone just like you
I’m just trying to find someone just to like me
Do you know what you are getting into?
I have been desensitized to love
By a man whom I was supposed to pattern my future husband after
but even after I said no
I was still forced to look at my reflection in his eyes
As he took me and treated me as if I was his own personal playground
Swinging on my innocence
Then sliding down the thin piece of fabric
that separated me from accelerated womanhood
Telling me, that all good girls did this in the neighborhood
And even if I could.
And even if I would
Could you love me past this pain?
Can you love me while I’m trying to explain?
The only thing from keeping me from going insane
Is standing in the rain
Because that’s God’s way of letting me know
That when I cry he cries
Can you battle though all of my mental scars
That refuse to heal
instead of getting frustrated
can you love me anyway
remind me because you are here
Everything will be ok
Will you be able to love me on those days
When I drift away and stare into space
Trying to find a place where pain doesn’t reside
Will you be able to look me deep into my eyes?
Because there I cant hide who I really am
Just A little girl who wants to be held
Because I never felt what it felt like to feel like a little girl when being held
To have no worries in the world
And as my world turns
Would you be able to navigate the sudden turns that
The road to my heart will lead you on
Would you understand that I need you
Even without me telling you,
Can you love me past my sleeping pills
And my antidepressants
In essence
can you love me past me and all of the emotional things that I bring
Because I bring a lot
Can you love me past the four shots that I hear every time I close my eyes because
He had to be stopped, did you hear me the first time
I bring a lot
Can you love me past the mental anguish I feel everytime I think of my older sister
Wising that I could touch her and just kiss her because
I miss her
She used death as a way of escape
Because when she tried to tell someone what went on
They just dismissed her and walked away

And some times I feel the same way
And I don’t know
At the right time
And at the right place
I might just try and use the same way of escape
Can you love God first and then love me next
If you can
I promise that I won’t get in the way
She swallowed, dropped her head
And turned away
I grabbed her face
And before she could take her second breath
And before I could take these two extensions of God
Called my arms to give her rest
I pulled her next to my chest
And whispered in her ear
YES!!!!

He Loved Me

He loved me unconditionally
Faithful was he,
Never have I had a love
That caressed my inner thoughts like he
He made me feel free to think
And rest on cloud nine
Finally in my life,
Someone made me feel free to fly
He made me feel free to be me
Even though I didn’t know who I was
And because of he
I now love me some me

April 29th
He said to me one evening while watching day
Break through her shell
That if I trust him,
He would make me forget
About all my past pain
That was associated with
Those who never really loved me for me
I often wondered did God create him
Just for me

May 1st
He said loving me
Was the best thing he had ever done
That this time
He didn’t even need an excuse
To love someone,
He chuckled and said loving me was fun
He said kissing me was like placing his lips
On the softest side of heaven

On May 12th
He said that by holding me
He knew what it felt like to hold a miracle
He thanked me,

On the 13th
He said loving me was critical
That it was more than physical
It was spiritual
The material in which my being
Is made of is soft to the touch
Of his thoughts
That’s what he said

On May 21st
He said that he would prefer that I carried him
Because I was the only one
That he trust not to drop his heart
A perfect love was he
He vowed
That every time he thought of me
He would embrace himself
Because just the mere thought of me
Made him fall in love all over again
And sometimes
He just needed to be hugged
And sometimes he just needed to be loved
And no one could love him
Better than me
Because he loved me through
The late nights that I cried
The late nights that I could have died
Thinking about how my dad stole my virginity
How he made me feel less than
The queen I was destine to be
I was broken
But this man,
While on bended knee,
Some how just by his touch, mended me
He was the potter and I was his clay
And everyday
when he holds me
He re molds me
He said his hands were meant to console me
That’s what he told me
And I believed him

June 3rd
After we made love,
He said that I was his queen,
And if this moment was a dream,
Not to wake him
But the reality was,
At that time,
On that night,
At that moment
He was made to be my king
He married me a second time
And I didn’t even need another ring
Because having his heart was symbolic enough

June 12th
He said that when he was not with me
He missed me so much that
He would close his eyes
And imagine that I was tattooed
On the inside of his eyelids
So even with his eyes closed
He could still see me in color
And I understood
Because when he wasn’t with me
I did the same thing
And I can’t explain
But when I opened my eyes
I didn’t feel the same
It was like spending more time with him
Wasn’t a strain
He made loving him easy

June 24th
He told me all he wanted to do in the this lifetime
Was to please me
The way his words embraced my spirit
Convinced me
that he needed me and everything that he said
Pleased me
His actions said that
He believed in me
And every one of his thoughts
Cleaves to me
And if it feels this good to be held by thoughts
Then I pray that he never stops thinking of me

July 5th
He said that he completes me


And after I closed her diary
I sat on the edge of our bed
Inhaled and cried
Never knew reading my girlfriends diary
Would make me feel
Like the man she said that I was